Familial Loyalty (Part I)

Here's something that's I've been thinking a good deal on lately. How much loyalty does one owe ones family? And I'm not just talking about one's immediate family (i.e. the people who significantly raised one), but also one's extended family.

Those who raise someone definitely deserve a certain level of loyalty (although this should be blind) because they have given freely of themselves in order to make sure that one is a grown human being. They have enabled one to grow up, in whichever manner they see fit. Perhaps they've made some mistakes, but all parents do. Perhaps they made more mistakes than someone else, but no one is perfect. While one shouldn't blindly follow the advice of one's immediate family (particularly one's parents and grandparents), one should definitely take it close to heart and make sure that said advice is an option.

But one's extended family is different. (Note: I'll be using generic terms throughout here such as "aunt" and "uncle" and the like; if those particular labels happen to fit into your personal immediate family, replace them for something more fitting to your circumstances. I'm writing about my own experiences and my own unique situation.) One's extended family has had an impact on one's upbringing and on one's life, but it is insignificant compared to one's parents' and grandparents' impacts.

So, how much does one owe one's aunts and uncles, particularly if those aunts and uncles have largely been absent for the majority of one's life? What does one owe them that one doesn't owe to the vast majority of people?

In my personal case, I have two aunts who have brought this question to my mind. The first is an aunt I'll call D; I did not meet this aunt until I was fifteen or sixteen. (In case it hasn't been posted elsewhere, I'm now nineteen.) The second of these aunts I'll call K; I've known her for as long as I can claim to know anyone (the beginnings of my consciousness), but she is a special case that I'll get to in a moment.

D, as I mentioned, was absent from my and my immediate family's lives until approximately four years ago. Maybe a little more or a little less; the dates are fuzzy in my mind. To frame her and her age, she is my mother's paternal aunt. She is roughly sixty-five years old. I honestly don't know the entire story (and personally don't care all that much), but from what I've gathered she had been living with her then-husband quite happily until he left her for another man. Also from what I've gathered, she had essentially abandoned her childhood family for this husband's for a few decades.

D is annoying. And this is not my sole opinion. My mother agrees with me on this assessment. My mother's father does as well. As does my mother's grandmother (D's mother). D is now living with her mother and helping to care for her. My great-grandmother (D's mother) is eighty-four years old; she has difficulty moving around, and she doesn't like being left alone.

D is annoying because she is always sick with something or other. She does have some conditions which keep her in some level of pain at all times. But she constantly complains about being ill or about taking pills. Or about her food allergies. From what I've gathered in talking to her, she is allergic to everything except bottled water and air.

So, here's that question: do I owe her anything (even in terms of love or loyalty)? If I do, I certainly don't give it to her. I cannot love her because I don't know her. As for loyalty, I give her the respect that is deserved by one's elders. But I don't go out of my way to please her.

I'll close with an anecdote. I went over to their house the other day in order to see my great-grandmother. I make it a point to visit her at least once a week while I'm in town. When I'm not in town, I make it a point to visit her as often as I can. She's eighty-four, as I recently mentioned, and I want to make sure that she feels loved and that she knows I love her. You see, her husband died two years ago. Since then, a good number of people in the family have stopped coming to see her. In fact, when I was over there just the other day (I believe it was Thursday), D told me that, of the grandchildren and great-grandchildren, only her two sons come over. Well, her two sons and me. She said that.

That got me thinking. I think the reason that the others in the family don't come over is quite simple: they don't want to deal with D. Of course, they're busy. Who isn't? But they could make time to visit their grandmother and great-grandmother. Perhaps they really don't care about her, but I think that to be highly unlikely. I think that they just don't care to put up with their aunt and great-aunt.


I realized how long this is going to be, so I decided to make it two posts. Please read tomorrow for the follow-up about my other aunt, K, and how I feel about a different scenario of extended-familial loyalty.